just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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