i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
