I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
porn star boner night. come get it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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