Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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