Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
