Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
