i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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