Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
