I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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