One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
