So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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