he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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