Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
