My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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