just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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