I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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