wanna go halves on a baby?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
