Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
