You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
