Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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