3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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