I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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