life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
