This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We're too hungover to prance.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
