I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
