Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
