so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
