i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
