I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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