Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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