mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
