She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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