Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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