Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
