i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize