so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
