apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How's work?
Spinning.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
