I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
