After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
