for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
