If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
send nudes
from the living room?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
