I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
