Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We left an ass print on the piano.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
