Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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