the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
