just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
