I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I believe in your delicious
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
