my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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