Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
