My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
