I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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