I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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