oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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