You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
