I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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